Since moving to Southern California, I have seen my fair share of homeless people. For the most part they can be divided into two main groups. The first group I call the geographically challenged. They can be easily identified by thier stories which vary in their details, but are all based around the premise that they are stranded here (usually at a gas station) either by a lack of gas, vehicular malfunction, or the need for bus, train, or cab fare for which they only need a small, very specific amount of money. Something along the lines of $1.80, this adds credibility to the pitch. I have always been the type of person who gives someone the benefit of the doubt, but I have literally been asked for $3 to help a family get home to Greeneville, NC by someone in Fountain Valley and in Fullerton in the same afternoon. Maybe these 2 groups were originally travelling to California together Grapes of Wrath style when they had a falling out while in a labor camp or over whose turn it was to crank start the car. Maybe, but I'm more inclined to think that neither Joad family had ever been near North Carolina and that they needed my $3 like the Loch Ness Monster needs about three-fifty. I figured that they would just spend the money on drugs or alcohol. Then I thought, that’s what I’m going to spend it on. Who am I to sit in my ivory tower and hand down life lessons? But then I realized that I was out of cigarettes, better luck next time guys.

The second group is made up of the people who are homeless for a serious reason. They are usually mentally challenged or at least unbalanced. You may be inclined to steer clear of these people, but let me tell you, if you stop to listen you can hear some of the most amazing stories. It’s like listening to someone read the script of an indie movie. I met a man who used to work for the CIA but got burned at the end of the cold war. Apparently the company, that’s spy talk for the Central Intelligence Agency, implanted a tracker/transmitter in his head when he was still an operative. Now he has to wear an elaborate aluminum foil hat to keep them from finding and eliminating him. I know what you’re thinking, but I swear the dude sounded totally legit. While I was listening to him, I overheard a passerby shout out, “Get a job you bum.” That may sound like a pretty easy thing to do, but you understand that this guy has to wear a hat that puts the rabbit ears on my television to shame at all times. I’m thinking that his resume is probably not quite up to date. Not to mention even Mickey D’s probably has a no metallic headgear policy. Not that they enforce it, but it’s probably on the books. So in conclusion, give up some of that change, you’re just going to lose it in your couch anyway. It might be worth a trip down memory lane in an alternate reality. Plus if the homeless ever decide to band together into one big gang we could be looking at a major problem. They’re already trained in urban survival tactics. They’re pretty much fearless, the only thing that scares a wino is running out of wine. So do your part and if you see a group of unusual people throwing up O’s and yelling Out-side….run.